Cancer and Tattoos?

Pain. Abuse. Disease. Death. Divorce. Mourning. Recovery... All of those words are things that people deal with in their own ways and in their own time.

The last ten years of my life have been nothing short of....difficult. An abusive marriage, a long and painful divorce, rape, cancer, MS, another baby, single motherhood, and now leukemia.

I have dealt with all of those things in my own way and in my own time. After my divorce, I was totally lost. My husband had, very literally, beat any sense of who I was out of me. My self esteem was gone. I decided I had to do something to break the cycle and to help me recover and become myself again. That's when I got my first tattoo.

I got this specific tattoo because it held a lot of meaning for me. The yellow rose symbolizes a new beginning. The royal purple ribbon is the color of royalty, reminding me I am a Daughter of God. Tanner's name in the ribbon was showing that he was the center of my world. And the hearts and notes are pretty self explanatory.

As time went on and I had Andrew and Isaac, my tattoo changed meaning for me. It went from being about surviving and recovering from my marriage, to being the best mom I know how to be.

Isaac's name was actually just added to it yesterday.

And now, as I'm fighting for my life, going through chemotherapy, unable to care for my own children, being so totally emotionally, spiritually and mentally LOST, the ONE thing that has kept me grounded is my music. I have my flute teacher Beth McGraw and my high school band director Scott Lang to thank for that. No matter how bad my life is, no matter how much I hurt, how sick the chemotherapy makes me, or how much I just want to give up and die, I am able to get out my flute and play. Putting all of my emotion into my music and getting it out of my body.

In all honesty, the last 6 weeks I have been suicidal. I have thought, on more than one occasion that my sons would just be better if I was gone and they were living with my sister and her husband. They could give the boys so many opportunities that I can't. I know that my place is here with my children, and it's been my ability to escape into music that has kept me here. Either playing my flute, or simply turning on my mp3 player and getting lost in the soundtrack to Miss Saigon, Les Mis or just the everyday songs I hear on the radio. Music has very literally grounded me....and that is why I made the decision I did to get this:
Now, on my darkest and hardest days. The days when I want to just go to sleep and never wake up, I have a constant reminder of all the good that the Lord has given me. I have my music to help ground me. To bring me back to being myself and to make the day seem bearable.

And, I'm sure the Lord will forgive the tattoo if it keeps me from being suicidal.

I'm sorry this post was so...depressing...but I felt that my reasoning needed to be explained and so that some will see that this is MY way of coping with the fight of MY life.