A few months ago, I read an article entitled "Six Things You Should NEVER Say To A Seriously Ill person". It was an article that didn't hold back. Some might have even said it was rude. But, as a person that is seriously sick, I thought it hit the proverbial nail on the head. Recent events have brought that article back into my thoughts, and I felt like I needed to reiterate the things that were pointed out. I'll warn you, it's not 'nice', and it may sound really bitchy, but it's exactly how I feel and what people should really know.
The original article was written by a man named Bruce Feiler.
1. What can I do to help?
Don’t ask people what you can do to help them – just help. Get their house cleaned, have meals prepared, pick the kids up from school. Be proactive
2. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
“It’s a mindless cliché” Bruce writes “It’s time to retire this hackneyed expression to the final resting place of platitudes, alongside “I’m stepping down to spend more time with my family,” or “It’s not you, it’s me.” (While I don't totally agree with this statement, I do feel like a lot of the times I'm told that "You're always in my thoughts and prayers" it's simply something to say because the person has no clue what else to say.)
3. Did you try that mango colonic I recommended ?
Let the doctors make the medical recommendations “I was stunned by the number of friends and strangers alike who inundated me with tips for miracle tonics… “If you put tumeric under your fingernails, and pepper on your neck, and take a grapefruit shower, you’ll feel better”. Just don’t do it. (I have a phenomenal team of doctors that are some of the best in their respective fields of medicine. I have every confidence in them and in their ability to treat my disease as aggressively as possible)
4. Everything will be O.K.
You don’t know that everything will be okay so don’t say it. It makes you feel better – and it doesn’t do anything for the patient. They are well aware of their doctor’s prognosis and they don’t need yours. (HUGELY WRONG thing to say to a sick person. Yes, the Lord is in charge and He will decide what 'ok' is, but in the mean time I don't want to hear it, because it makes me feel worse for feeling as horrible as I do)
5. How are we today?
Don’t speak to someone who is sick as if they have lost their mental capacity. They are sick, not infants. (Amen! Amen! Amen!!!!)
6. You look great.
Don’t focus on external appearances, it doesn’t mean anything and patients are likely to see straight through this, they know how they look. But more importantly they know how they feel. (This one gets me every time! "You look fabulous! You are obviously feeling so much better!" Um, no. I'm NOT feeling better. As my mother says, I'm blessed with a great shaped head, so I look good with almost no hair, and the rest is makeup. Remember the old commercials, "Maybe she's born with it...Maybe it's Maybelline"?? Well, mine is ALL Maybelline.)
I'm sure you're all now wondering what you CAN say to a sick person. Gratefully, Bruce wrote those things, too.
1. Don’t write me back.
Patients get overwhelmed with the burden of keeping everyone informed and thanked for all their well wishes. If you do something for someone let them know that you don’t need to be thanked or kept up to date with every milestone of the disease. (This is so true. I have hundreds of wonderful people that help me in my weeks and months. I try so hard to write thank you cards to them all, but it's getting impossible to keep up and it just stresses me out more! So, if you do something for me, just know how grateful I am and that I love you beyond measure)
2. I should be going now.
Don’t overstay your welcome, 20 minutes is fine, even less if the patient is tired or in pain. “And while you’re there, wash a few dishes or tidy up the room. And take out the trash when you leave.”
3. Would you like some gossip?
“Patients are often sick of talking about their illness. We have to do that with our doctors, nurses and insurance henchmen. By all means, follow the lead of the individual, but sometimes ignoring the elephant in the room is just the right medicine” (Amen to this one! I have to talk about my disease so much that it just gets depressing. Tell me a good piece of gossip. Tell me about YOUR life...just don't make me talk about my disease anymore than I have to)
4. I love you.
“When all else fails, simple, direct emotion is the most powerful gift you can give a loved one going through pain. It doesn’t need to be ornamented. It just needs to be real. “I’m sorry you have to go through this.” “I hate to see you suffer.” “You mean a lot to me.”
What do you say to people that are sick? Do you over compensate, are you gushy? Have you ever been seriously sick? What did you want to hear?
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